No more, No less, Just enough (Remember i will still be here as long as u hold me in your memories)

And me again, well, it is the end of the year after all, and thoughts of all kinds travel around our heads right?
What should i say, 24 years and still in the same place am i not?, well, i guess that all this effort will be rewarded in a way, though i know the time i lost will never be recovered, and i will have to face myself to all the new people doing the things right.
I am a tenth from the basic grade in life, am i going to reach it? it is not an easy task, nor is it easy to reach, but there's still the possibility, hope is still with me, and with lots of hard work, perhaps i might end up having it.
This year has been good though, very nice grades, lots of hard work, but the rewards were good, i have what i have worked for and i deserve what i have, should i review the year in all his bad and good sides?
Bad sides? well, i am still behind, Noelle is not a big help to me, and i think i´m hurting him and me by standing by this charade; did i ever loved him? for some moments i did, he was what i was waiting for, but i guess my expectations are the things that breaks and blurs reality, and makes reality hard for me to take. I still hear him saying he loves me, does he?, i guess love is not what i think; I don't believe in love, there is no love, it is just the name of a combination of several other feeling which can be counted and mesured; is it time to get it over with? My dear friend Neasshielly told me i should close all of my cicles, it is time, i think so, i am close to close the most important one in the live of a young person; give him time i should, give me time i must.
At the beggining of this month i received a letter from René, telling me he had a good time when he was here, and we will see eachother again soon, sorry sweet darling, and i wrote him goodbye, he is just to good to be around me, he deserves better, and he has got it, what am i? Do not get this wrong, i am what i am, and i cannot change that, could get better, could get worse, but my escense is the same, and i will not change it, should i? the whole month i have been thinking of what i did wrong, well many things i may say indeed: this damn face of mine, my non-sculpted body, my messy hair, my bad taste in cloths, my acting queer and childish, my melancholy, my cheerfulness, my big horrible smile, my uncontroled movements, my age...
But, i am indeed trying my best, but that is not enough, is not enough till the goal is reached. I am what i am, and though i know that will haunt me all my life, i should accept it, a thousand times of loneliness than of incertitude.
How many times have i been put into a cliché? for my mom i'm just a lost boy who won't be able to face the world on his own, for my dad i am just the hope of a great project of life, for my parents i am a new and promising future, for Noelle i'm a little child who is often mischivious and very capricious, for my friend Belem i am the guy who would love to be with but will never be able to. What am i for me?
Why is it everything about love?, which emotions was i referring over the paragraghs above? i was referring to the needs of reproduction and company. Marriage, a certain word you hear from anyone at a certain age "I am married" he said...
The future is just blured now, all of my wishes and plans are standing on the edge of a knife, for now i see the world as it is, and it doesn't look good, does it?
But " a rajarse a su pueblo!!", that is what i think, there is no turning back, and one has to keep going, no matter how hard the wind and the sand pulls u back, reach for a refuge and continue the next day, calmly but with firm grip on the toes.
How will i end all this? How hard has been for me to find someone in the love department, i dont know that many people, nor do i go out much, and the few i have found, well, they were all worth it for a moment, but not for ever.
I will never find that thing in me, will i? u know that sprite comercial? "the only way to be atractive is to have your own girl, but that is the problem" i cannot hide myself, the truth is that if im pulling myself out of something, the more the people want me around, the thing is that if i am really interested in them, i will let my self go, and in that moment, they reached out, leaving me alone. Alone? not at all, i have me, that is enough, i'm never alone, maybe with my face to the floor, but never alone.
So, i should make it clear to myself, that hope is not something i should treasured, everyone goes, everyone leaves, and there will be nothing but me at the end.
I have met some people along the way, and among us, age and beauty reflects our habilities and capacities, and then, after those two open the doors, it is only our brains and heart who will mantain the place that was given the chance to have. What to do if u have little of everything?
Well, it could be worse right? could be better too.
I was told that the grass isn't greener on the other side, oohh, but i was there, and it was more beutiful than that i saw when i was behind the fence, but he didnt want me in his garden, he has worked too hard to let it step by me. So i should return to my backyard, and try to grow the grass as green as i can, will be hard, will take time and though i know it will never be as green as the one i once saw, at least it will be my backyard.
Maybe one day, i would stop to write this blog and would be able to tell someone all this, and that person will be interested; but if that day never comes, for im sure that has all the possibilities, at least i will know i tried with all that i could give, no more, no less, just enough...