All the tears in the world won't change ur mind

Have u ever walked through the streets and feel how ur heart is not there anymore, like if someone could listen the ocean if the reached their ears to ur chest. I was walking like that yesterday, devasted, lost...
I saw it coming, he arrived and i was welcome with the stories of Bogota, and the guy he had met there, so sweet, so cute, so elegant, so fotogenic, so young, so many things i wasn't. I went home crying, i knew it was lost, and i don't like to cry, i hate myself because of that.
I was so silent the next day
-somthing wrong with u?
-"nope"
But i was full with sadness, and though i tried to have a good time, i knew what was going on, i have known that for quite sometime, but i didn't want to accept it, though that would've done things easily, no time to chat, he gave me the headphones and mic, and we never used them; and me, with so many things in my life...
I went to my work, but i was drowning in desparation, why did he showed so much interest?, why can't i accept it was just casual thing?, why did he asked me when i was going with some friends to Ixtapa?
My tears cannot stop droping, i feel just so sad, so sad, why did i accept this situation in the first place if i couldn't handle it? I knew what was going to happen, and our worlds are so different, and though i know and always knew that we were not meant together, it hurts, it hurts so much!
Saturday, saturday i could forget things, i might go to a party at night, but the party was canceled, and there was me, and him, with his beutiful green/gray eyes and beutiful nose, watching me, and i could just stare at him all the time. I arrived late, and he was already talking with his guy from Bogota, we talked and got ready to go, we went to Coyoacan, i was like a child, i can't help liking this season, it seems he cares not for costumes and sites.
Why was i there? talking him whereever he wanted to go, was it because i like him as a friend, or because i miss his hands on me, his eyes looking at me, and his tender lips.
-Do u have to go home-
-no, we can go out if u want-
-Let's stay in the hotel-
I should've walked away in that moment, but no, i had to stay, me and that stupid hope that just lets the pain get deeper and deeper. I was woken up at 4:00 am, couldn't sleep, just wanted to cry.
-I'm gonna miss u-
-huh?-
Lift myself, and went to the toilet, maybe there i could think things a little, washed my hands and face, and was back to bed.
What was i doing there? there was no point, so i got up again, and walk a little, thinking about grabbing my pants and go home.
-Irvin, where are u going?-
-I can't sleep-
-Come back to bed, ur tired-
-I will... go to the toilet now-
-And then?-
-Go back to bed-
Took some paper and pen, and took it to the toilet.
-Come back here-
-In a moment-
I should go, i should go now, there is no point, there is no point!!! what was i doing there? Finally i went back to bed, told him i needed to read something, he turned on the light, and i start writing a letter to him, i couldn't stop crying, though i tried my best to hid it.
I think he saw myself writing, and got on me and read, there was me, telling him i knew it was going to be the last time i was going to see him. He took my writs, turned me and force me to look at him, i couldnt my eyes were watery, he knew i was crying.
-Silly letter, why do u like to write silly letters?-
-Because I'm silly, i shouldn't have fallen in love with u-
-u fell in love?-
-Yes... I...-
-I'm not going to have any sexual relations with u-
shocked -I am not asking u for that-
We went laid back in bed now
-I'm married-
-oh, r u?-
-To my friend in Bogota-
-i know-
-u do?-
- i can see it in ur eyes-
-I will always be here for u, we are very good friends-
And though the discussion didnt last for long, i found my self dreaming he wanted me, he was kidding and took me, but as it was the first time he came, it was just a dream. Sunday morning was not different, i finished my letter "just hope u have told me u weren't interested in me anymore".
-This is just an stupid letter, Bastardo-
What can i do?, stupid of me indeed, knew that this wasnt going to happen, still i let myself go, and i was put aside, never breaking my own rules, never again, i cannot handle casual relations.
We went out of the city, to La Marquesa, Horsebackriding and all "Like Brokeback Mountain".
We went back to the hotel, what was i still doing with him, it was over, it was over, he's taken and I... I am just a silly boy who thinks silly and saw his prince charming in the beutiful astrian Guy. So I left.
-Maybe i will call u later tonight
I just smile and wish him a happy trip, and turned away, and never looked back. Can't let myself go of that memory of him asking me to go along to Viena, "we should go to Ixtapa" he said.
I cried my eyes out the whole way, caring a bag full of treats, at least now i can tell everyone i had a change with an austrian guy...
...
...
I could tell all the little details of both of our encounters, for i have everypart tatooed on my brain, but why should they matter? all the tears in the world won't change his mind.
There were signs and then i had my concience who told me not to meet him at all, never breaking my own rules, never again.
Feels like drops from my eyes won't stop, and though i know i will forget him eventually, in the mean time, it hurts so much.
How horrible is to steal a kiss and not accomplish ur goal, clumsy thieve i am; After all, he found his happiness, and I will try to mend the pieces of a heart that has never been broken before. Lucky the ones who will never go trhough this, and the ones who found their match in the very beginning.