All the tears in the world won't change ur mind

Have u ever walked through the streets and feel how ur heart is not there anymore, like if someone could listen the ocean if the reached their ears to ur chest. I was walking like that yesterday, devasted, lost...
I saw it coming, he arrived and i was welcome with the stories of Bogota, and the guy he had met there, so sweet, so cute, so elegant, so fotogenic, so young, so many things i wasn't. I went home crying, i knew it was lost, and i don't like to cry, i hate myself because of that.
I was so silent the next day
-somthing wrong with u?
-"nope"
But i was full with sadness, and though i tried to have a good time, i knew what was going on, i have known that for quite sometime, but i didn't want to accept it, though that would've done things easily, no time to chat, he gave me the headphones and mic, and we never used them; and me, with so many things in my life...
I went to my work, but i was drowning in desparation, why did he showed so much interest?, why can't i accept it was just casual thing?, why did he asked me when i was going with some friends to Ixtapa?
My tears cannot stop droping, i feel just so sad, so sad, why did i accept this situation in the first place if i couldn't handle it? I knew what was going to happen, and our worlds are so different, and though i know and always knew that we were not meant together, it hurts, it hurts so much!
Saturday, saturday i could forget things, i might go to a party at night, but the party was canceled, and there was me, and him, with his beutiful green/gray eyes and beutiful nose, watching me, and i could just stare at him all the time. I arrived late, and he was already talking with his guy from Bogota, we talked and got ready to go, we went to Coyoacan, i was like a child, i can't help liking this season, it seems he cares not for costumes and sites.
Why was i there? talking him whereever he wanted to go, was it because i like him as a friend, or because i miss his hands on me, his eyes looking at me, and his tender lips.
-Do u have to go home-
-no, we can go out if u want-
-Let's stay in the hotel-
I should've walked away in that moment, but no, i had to stay, me and that stupid hope that just lets the pain get deeper and deeper. I was woken up at 4:00 am, couldn't sleep, just wanted to cry.
-I'm gonna miss u-
-huh?-
Lift myself, and went to the toilet, maybe there i could think things a little, washed my hands and face, and was back to bed.
What was i doing there? there was no point, so i got up again, and walk a little, thinking about grabbing my pants and go home.
-Irvin, where are u going?-
-I can't sleep-
-Come back to bed, ur tired-
-I will... go to the toilet now-
-And then?-
-Go back to bed-
Took some paper and pen, and took it to the toilet.
-Come back here-
-In a moment-
I should go, i should go now, there is no point, there is no point!!! what was i doing there? Finally i went back to bed, told him i needed to read something, he turned on the light, and i start writing a letter to him, i couldn't stop crying, though i tried my best to hid it.
I think he saw myself writing, and got on me and read, there was me, telling him i knew it was going to be the last time i was going to see him. He took my writs, turned me and force me to look at him, i couldnt my eyes were watery, he knew i was crying.
-Silly letter, why do u like to write silly letters?-
-Because I'm silly, i shouldn't have fallen in love with u-
-u fell in love?-
-Yes... I...-
-I'm not going to have any sexual relations with u-
shocked -I am not asking u for that-
We went laid back in bed now
-I'm married-
-oh, r u?-
-To my friend in Bogota-
-i know-
-u do?-
- i can see it in ur eyes-
-I will always be here for u, we are very good friends-
And though the discussion didnt last for long, i found my self dreaming he wanted me, he was kidding and took me, but as it was the first time he came, it was just a dream. Sunday morning was not different, i finished my letter "just hope u have told me u weren't interested in me anymore".
-This is just an stupid letter, Bastardo-
What can i do?, stupid of me indeed, knew that this wasnt going to happen, still i let myself go, and i was put aside, never breaking my own rules, never again, i cannot handle casual relations.
We went out of the city, to La Marquesa, Horsebackriding and all "Like Brokeback Mountain".
We went back to the hotel, what was i still doing with him, it was over, it was over, he's taken and I... I am just a silly boy who thinks silly and saw his prince charming in the beutiful astrian Guy. So I left.
-Maybe i will call u later tonight
I just smile and wish him a happy trip, and turned away, and never looked back. Can't let myself go of that memory of him asking me to go along to Viena, "we should go to Ixtapa" he said.
I cried my eyes out the whole way, caring a bag full of treats, at least now i can tell everyone i had a change with an austrian guy...
...
...
I could tell all the little details of both of our encounters, for i have everypart tatooed on my brain, but why should they matter? all the tears in the world won't change his mind.
There were signs and then i had my concience who told me not to meet him at all, never breaking my own rules, never again.
Feels like drops from my eyes won't stop, and though i know i will forget him eventually, in the mean time, it hurts so much.
How horrible is to steal a kiss and not accomplish ur goal, clumsy thieve i am; After all, he found his happiness, and I will try to mend the pieces of a heart that has never been broken before. Lucky the ones who will never go trhough this, and the ones who found their match in the very beginning.

Marcado de Amarillo, resalta lo principal

Qué rápido se pasa el día cuando uno se queda en casa, la semana ha estado muy ajetreada, y con muchas cosas que hacer, hoy no tuve clases, y dormí muy rico hasta tarde.
Todo empezó el jueves pasado, yo tenía que ir a Cunduacán, en Tabasco, así que arreglé mis cosas y compramos boletos, etcetera; y me habla Noelle, que ha estado enfermo desde el Lunes, de una enfermedad contagiosa del hígado, me quedé muy preocupado, porque nos habíamos visto el domingo, y parecia estar de verdad enfermo.
Regresando de Tabasco, me hice los análisis correspondientes, y tuve que esperar tres dias para saber los resultados. Todo esta bien conmigo al parecer, de todas maneras mi doctor me recetó medicina para fortalecer mis defensas, y las de mi familia; también me dió medicina para Noelle para que se recuperara pronto, pues alopáticamente no hay un tratamiento mas que el descanso.
Por lo menos en la escuela ya voy bien, y mis calificaciones no son tan bajas, pero si fue un buen sustito ese, me preocupaba porque he estado en contacto con muchas personas y bueno, mas vale.
Yo creo que no voy a poder ver a Radha ni a Malena por al menos unas tres semanitas, especialmente por Mao, de preferencia hasta que el novio este bien de salud. Entonces desde aquí les mando saludos, y besitos al bb; luego platicamos.
Si me sentí aliviado al saber que yo estoy bien, pero me preocupa Noelle, cada vez las cosas estan mas raras, y no se que hacer. Me puse a platicar con su má ahora que lo fui a ver, y si me dijo cosas que me dejaron con muchas dudas, él se enojó al saber que estuve platicando con ella, y eso me hace pensar muchas cosas, qué es lo que no quiere que sepa?, porque solo me dice las cosas que le convienen entonces?
Sigo sin entender muchas cosas, y todo empieza cuando la gente se da cuenta de lo que pasa, mi má ya me dijo que esa situación no se ve bien (no hablo de la enfermedad, sino de la relación que llevo con Noelle), y sigue al no querer hablar de la relación porque da verguenza, y por último, las dudas que surgen de los comentarios incompletos de nuestro conocidos.
Él dice que me quiere llevar a una fiesta con sus compañeros de la escuela, no se si es capaz de armar toda una puesta de teatro, pero bueno, eso ya parece totalmente telenovelesco.
Hace frio hoy, en Cunduacán esta lloviendo, creo que es un día para ropa de lluvia, y un paraguas, me bañaré e iré al servicio.
Esta vez estoy decidido a hablar con él, de todo, la vez pasada me dijo que no iba a cambiar, y a veces pienso que no le importo, las palabras se las lleva el viento, pero son los hechos los que afectan la vida de la humanidad. A veces me pregunto si esas palabras no nos afectarán nuestra relación, pues él es muy sentido, pero diría que lo prefiero asi, que vivir toda mi vida algo que no me satisface.
A esperar por el momento, se tiene que recuperar, y hay que darle fuerzas para que lo haga, aunque yo sienta que el momento de la verdad llega, son casi 4 años, y ya es bueno empezar a sentar cabezas y levantar traseros.